Friday, January 27, 2017
Some of my deepest thoughts come to me when I am on a run. I don't run far, just 2 miles or so, but it's during those 20-25 minutes that God and I somehow meet up together, as I breathe in and out and focus on putting one foot in front of the other.
These words have been fumbling around in my brain for the last 3 weeks or so. This week I pushed myself to go on more runs to try to work out the thoughts that kept filling my mind and I finally got some answers.
Andrew and I will be going on 6 years of marriage in April. It's has been a wonderful journey for us. One that I wouldn't trade because I know that God has purposed it all. My marriage has forced me through several hard heart issues that needed resolve and now that I am finally on the other side of it all, I can look back in awe at God's faithfulness.
You see, 2016 was our hardest year. In the dead heat of the summer, I participated in a Bible study at our church and I sat in a small room with about 15 other people as they prayed for me. This group didn't even know why they were praying but they prayed. One after another, people who I barely knew spoke words from God that penetrated my heart so deeply.
One in particular prayed, "What I am about to pray and say may not seem encouraging, but I feel as though God wants you to know that He knows you are in chaos right now. He wants you to sit and wait and that the chaos will not be forever, but it is going to continue for a little while longer. He is restoring and rebuilding the walls."
That women was right, it wasn't the most encouraging, but it was the answer to a prayer I had prayed a few days earlier in a grocery store parking lot. "Lord, how much longer. I don't know that I can keep trusting you without borders. I need to hear you."
Fast forward to now, January of 2017. The chaos has passed and the prayers uttered in that small room have come to fruition and I can see God's handiwork. God has rebuilt the walls of my heart and the foundation of my marriage and there is a strength and understanding surrounding my life that was never there before the way it is now.
Yet, still, I have sat on my living room couch as of late having fearful thoughts of what is to come next as Andrew and I consider future plans.
Lord, what if we can't have children?
What if we can?!
What if I am not able to balance life with children?
What if I miss my moments of just Andrew and I?
What if life gets hard again, right when I finally found myself and who I am without all the chaos in my brain?
What if we have a girl? What if we have a boy?!
These fears and thoughts are so real to me. To some these may seem so silly... but these are my current "what if's" in my current season of life. But as I ran today, I heard a louder "WHAT IF" resounding in my head.
WHAT IF YOU TRUST ME?
...What if you remember all that God has done. It may have been hard in the past, but you see the fruit, the benefit, the strength and knowledge you now have and it is good. All of the ocean tears and mountain weight I have felt has all turned to gold. So what if you give all your What If's to God and trust Him. What if you finally stop worrying about all the possibilities that could go wrong or right and just trust that God has His fingerprints all over your life and everything that He does ends up good in the end.
So instead of "what if" it will be... "What now, Lord?" What do you have in store for this next season of life. A season that I may grow and glorify your name through it all.