Pillar of Smoke

"By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people." - Exodus 13:21-22

For those who may not know, Andrew is in Physician Assistant School. It is a very difficult program and pretty much requires undivided attention. For the most part, I have been doing well, and I can only give God the honor and praise for that. He has provided amazing people here who have taken me in like family and are supporting me. And even though I take care of all household chores, the lawn, the oil changes, the cooking, grocery shopping, and also financially providing, God has been filling me with such a joy for it. 


A week and a half ago, I stood in the middle of my friend's house at our Community Group through our church and a group of friends laid hands on my shoulders and prayed for me. I was feeling pretty burdened and I missed Andrew. I missed doing life with him and being a team. Many prayed things they didn't even realize would impact me so greatly. One friend in particular unknowingly prayed one of my favorite verses and then another prayed and said that an image of a "pillar of smoke" was coming to mind, like the pillar of cloud spoken about in Exodus for the Israelites. She prayed that God would give me a pillar of smoke to guide me through these 2 years when Andrew is so consumed with school and I am carrying more responsibilities. 

This past weekend Andrew and I finally got time together. Friday night I was feeling overwhelmed with holiday prep for my business and the house was a mess. Andrew came home from lab and told me to close my studio door, work for a few more hours and then we would go get our favorite pumpkin pancakes from IHOP to start off our weekend. While I worked, Andrew cleaned everything. When I walked out of the studio, the house was spotless. I couldn't help the tears that welled up in my eyes. It felt like we were a team again... picking up where the other left off. 

IHOP and a campfire finished off our Friday night.

The next day, we went on a mini 2.5 hour road trip to a beach in Louisiana called Holly Beach. There normally isn't anyone on the beach and you can walk for miles collecting the most beautiful shells. We ended up bringing our dog Baya and it was her first time at the beach. It was such a perfect day.

After eating our little picnic lunch and several hours of walking the beach together, we started our trek back. As we drove and listened to music, all of the sudden, we saw this...

A pillar of smoke. 

We serve a God who doesn't mess around. A God who is incredibly faithful. When you look for Him. When you keep your eyes open for His fingerprints in your life, He will surprise you over and over and over again. I still can't believe that after a friend prayed specifically for a pillar of smoke, Andrew and I, together, literally drove by a sugar cane brush fire, that caused a HUGE pillar of smoke in the sky. It doesn't get much better than that...

This past weekend was so fulfilling. The moments of laughter, deep conversations about our future, children, God and each other. I felt like we were dating again. 

This weekend was my pillar of smoke. 

A reminder that even though we are in a season that doesn't allow us much time together, that I have his breaks to look forward to. And I can rest in knowing that we will make it through this and be stronger for it. 

Andrew and I have this song that we have always liked since before we were married that says, "out of the darkness and into the fire, I'll tell you I love you". To us it means we will love each other through anything. We will fight for us. We won't give up on each other. And I am so thankful to know that I have an amazing community of people here who are supporting us as well. 

God is so good. 

Depression and a God who is Stronger

Depression. Some people think its no big deal and then others call it the cancer of the mind.

When I was growing up I used to be one of those people that thought people should just be able to power through. Trust God and be happy. 

Until last year. July 2013.

Each morning I would wake up with this weight. A thick dark cloud that followed me from my first waking breaths until I laid my head on my pillow at night. All day, I was alone. In a small apartment. My mind would spiral out of control. 

There were tears. 

There was anger. 

There was confusion. 

I couldn't understand why I continued to fail day after day and nothing was changing. I would pray and cry out to God only to find myself in a worse state of mind the next day. I was in a complete and utter state of hell in my mind. And when you get to a place like this... you start thinking some crazy, horrid things...

Fast forward, July 2014.

I was sitting on a twin bed, in a VERY HOT, third floor dorm room with about 10 high school girls. I had just asked them to answer 10 questions on a piece of paper. The last question I asked, was if they had any questions for me. 

We went around the room, one at a time, sharing answers and talking. Then it was time to go around the room asking me questions. Some girls didn't have any. Some had funny, random ones. And a select few had some more serious questions, all pretty much pertaining to the same thing. 

Aly, have you ever hit rock bottom? And if so... what were the steps you took to get out of it?

I sat there stunned for a moment. Earlier that day, as I was preparing for devotions with them for that evening, I was flipping through my notebook and I found an entry from July 14, 2013... It went something like this:

"Life is so hard right now. I am scared. I am so unhappy and each day is getting harder and harder to bear. I finally thought I saw a glimmer of hope and its all crashing down around me again... I've never had so many thoughts of death... thinking dying would actually be better than living on this earth. I continue to fail and every time I do - I feel more lost, more alone and more without a reason to be alive. I am more sad than I have ever been in my entire life..."

I looked at this little room of High School girls and blinked back a few tears thinking, "Lord, is this a situation that you want me to share what I have been through? Is this one of the reasons why I was going through what I went through last year."

So I began to answer them. Yes, I have hit rock bottom... It was just last year. 

I read a portion of my journal entry. Praying it was the right decision.

I shared with them that just a year ago... I was in a completely different place than I am now. And the ONLY reason why I got out of it... THE ONLY REASON why is because I have a Savior who never gives up on me. 

What were the steps I took? 

I stopped hiding. As hard as it was... I chose a select few people and told them how miserable I was. I forced myself to act exactly how I felt inside to these people. I told them my deepest and darkest pains and didn't HIDE. They made me realize that I needed professional help.

I sought help. I pursued counseling. I went twice a week because I couldn't even go a whole week without talking to someone about all the thoughts spiraling around in my head. I was officially diagnosed with depression and was put on a low dose of medication to help me "reprogram" my mind. I decided to use it as a tool to help me to battle this "cancer" of the mind. I went through 7 months of counseling and 9 months with the medication until stopping both. 

And now... I wake up every morning and I spend time in the God's Word. In Isaiah 44:22 it says, "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you."

Hosea 6:3, "So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn and he will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth."

As I draw near to God, I find that I am safe in his arms. 

Isaiah 50:4b, "He awakens me morning by morning, He awakens my ear to listen as a disciple."

As I begin to learn more about his grace and his love and how he pursues me, I have come to truly believe the words that I am reading and believe in his promises in a way that transforms my daily life. And on the days that I can feel my mind giving in to my old ways, I rest on passages like this:

"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fall and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation, The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like the hinds' feet and makes me walk on my high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19

It doesn't mean life isn't hard. It doesn't mean there won't be trials or hard times again. But there are promises in the Bible, made by a God who created everything. He promises to sustain me and be my guide. 

When I was diagnosed with depression... I couldn't even get to a place in my mind that would lead me to spend time in God's Word. I was lost in selfishness and despair. I was crying out like David in Psalm 13, "How long, O Lord will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day?" 

At the end of this passage, David cries out that although he had been in despair, that he has trusted in God and is rejoicing in God's salvation. 

This was the part that I was missing before. I realized I had not come to the place in my life where I actually, truly, understood the grace of God. The gift that was given to me when Jesus died on the cross for me. He died on the cross to redeem me from my selfishness, my anger, my many mistakes. 

How could it be that I had come to my 25th year of life and had not understood the magnitude of this beautiful love story until now. I wished it hadn't taken me so long but am so thankful to finally understand it

I believe that I went through what I went through last year to help me to understand the magnitude of what my Savior did for me. And to use that amazing lesson to share with others. 

. . .

There are many articles, blogs, and statements floating around about Robin Williams death. He suffered from severe depression and while some people are romanticizing the situation... Some are calling him selfish. 

But the fact of the matter is... He was selfish! We are all SELFISH! We were born not knowing any better than to put ourselves first. And that is why God sent his son to wash us clean. 

I don't know where Robin Williams was as far as his beliefs. I don't know if he had a relationship with God. If he was seeking help or if he got to a point where he just began to hide. You never truly know what a person is battling with. 

Sometimes as Christians, we think we have to have it all together. We think because we believe in God we have to have a sparkly, clean little life and not have any major issues. Well, I will be first to stand up and raise my hand high... I got me some issues. But I have a God who is so much bigger than those issues and will not give up on me. 

Throughout this past year, He extended his hand to me, waited for me to grab a hold and then began showing me and teaching me what a life lived in abundance and joy really means. I am no where near a place of perfection in this area and I never will be, but I am eternally grateful for a God who will walk beside me until my dying day and promises to redeem, restore and love me each step of the way.

Life in Abundance: A Call to Die. A Call to Live.

There is a verse that keeps popping up lately. In my Bible Study. In the sermons at church. In my life, my friends lives, my parents lives. And, in the most recent book my husband and I started reading together. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 

I came that they might have life and have it abundantly." 

- John 10:10

Andrew and I began reading David Platt's most recent book called "Follow Me". I have only read the introduction which is written by Francis Chan, but I have already learned so much. There is a small excerpt that grabbed me. I would like to share it:

"Probably the most memorable task Jesus gave was in Matthew 28. It stands out because of the dramatic fashion in which he gave it. He rose from the grave, and then prefaced his command with the words "all authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me." No one in his right mind would ignore the next words out of Jesus' mouth: "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you." 

Jesus wanted followers from every nation on earth, so he commanded his disciples to reach them and train them. And that is exactly what they did - but this work is still not finished. He expects us to follow in their footsteps and structure our lives that our actions revolve around completing this mission. "

Life in abundance. What does this really mean? I think for some, we can get trapped into believing that its the things we own. Our house. Our car. Our travel plans. Our appearance. Our STUFF. We think that our life will be "happy" when we are comfortable and we have everything we need here on this earth. But the Bible says in Matthew 6:19-21, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in and steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Theres a Men's Ministry called Man In The Mirror. Their Vision is "To reach men with a credible offer of Jesus Christ, to help them grow in knowledge and love for Christ, and to equip them to serve God in the home, church, workplace, community, and world. We help men change their lives by connecting the dots between the Bible and their daily lives. We measure our profits in changed lives."

Its been a little under a year since my Father accepted a position to represent and serve as an Area Director in Central Massachusetts for Man in the Mirror. It has been an honor to watch my parents as they seek God's direction, find investors and donors to support this ministry they have been called to, and start to make changes in their lives to do this full time. 

As my parents oldest child, born just a few years after they got married, I have watched as my Father has gone from job to job, position to position, working his way up from the bottom to the top, reaching a career that provided above and beyond for our family. Then, within the past year, committed to letting all of that go, humbling himself by letting others faithfully provide for my families needs, so they can serve their God-given area. 

It brings me to tears. 

The "sacrifice" of decades of hard work, building up a life and all their possessions, to then be called to ministry... and to give that all up. In other words... "A call to die. A call to live."

I've been calling my Mother every few days to check in on the progress. Thus far, they have sold their house, put in a few offers... only for them to fall through. And now? Well, they have 24 days to find a new home to move into. Kinda crazy... 24 days. 

In a recent conversation with my Mom we exchanged encouragement, tears, honesty and love. As we both confessed that the "call to die" isn't always the easiest. That sometimes the thief who comes to destroy is so good at trying to destroy. Living a life for God doesn't mean being comfortable. My Mom said to me, "you'd never think that one of the hardest things could be the thought that the kitchen table we have been sitting around eating dinners at for years could be so hard to have to give up... because it simply won't fit in the kitchen of the new house we will be purchasing."

Isn't it so true though. We become so attached to our possessions. I don't believe its wrong to have items that mean something to us because of the beautiful memories that they bring. But, when we are called to give those things up... how will we respond? 

To the house with the memories. The car with the sun roof. The kitchen table. 

I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to watch as my parents go through this. All the tests and confusion, the letting go, the eye-opening and life altering experiences, and all the lessons they will learn... it's a testimony to how big, how great, how loving, how trustworthy, and how beautiful and abundant a life lived with God as the center of our lives can truly be. 


Man in the Mirror Links:

Website
Central Mass Facebook Page
Support/Donation Page

My Parents Home in West Boylston, MA that is currently SOLD.

Forever Changed

The Internet is a funny thing. It allows us to share what we want to with the world. Screening the things that we don’t want to share. From the Internet you would see that I am a girl (obviously!), 23 going on 24 in June. I am a sister, daughter, and a wife. I run and own my hand stamped flatware business called, For Such A Time Designs and I live in Austin, TX. I have an adorable chow-lab puppy named Baya. I love to sing. I enjoy being outdoors. I adore long chats with good friends. I have a passion to serve others.  The list I am sure would go on and on from what I may choose to share on the Internet…

However, what you may not know is this.

I am full of sin.

I have a very big heart, but with that, if I am not careful, I allow my emotions to get the best of me. I get angry easily and cannot control my tongue. If I watch a movie with too many curse words, I show a lack of self-control and they come out when I am upset. I hold onto bitterness. I yell at my husband. I get very stressed out sometimes and crumble into a ball of tears on the floor (please tell me someone can relate????).  I complain, I gossip, I am jealous. I am fearful. I am fearful of many things. I struggle with a lack of self-confidence and I stare at myself in the mirror and think of all the things wrong with me. Shall I go on… or do you see my point?

Are you starting to think maybe you don’t really know me that well? Have I done a good job of sensoring you from the side of me that I wouldn’t want you to see?

You see… for the past 2 years, I have struggled to be the woman I know that God intended for me to be. I tell Him, and myself that I will change. That I want to change and then I fall back into my ugly ways of thinking “this is the way it is… I am messed up and I can not turn back, there is no HOPE for me.” But I have been wrong. I have not had full faith in God. But really, I wasn’t even ready to believe that God could change me.

Something happened a few weeks ago.  Something that fueled my desire for change and  it stuck. I cried out to God… and He met me.

March 10^th, 2012

Andrew and I woke up, got ready, and headed to Church. The service was wonderful, powerful and I felt quite convicted for some change in my life. We left church and Andrew said something to me that I took the wrong way. I let myself feel my anger and didn’t stop it. The flicker turned to a flame and soon we were in an argument over nothing. We drove home and by the time we walked in the door I was so ashamed and embarrassed of my behavior that I grabbed the keys and left. I had no idea where I would go. I didn’t even say a thing to Andrew, nor did he chase me (understandingly so).

I turned the music real loud. I cried. I yelled. I cried some more.

I yelled at God asking Him why He made me this way. Why He never helped me to change. It went on like this for a while until I finally started praying instead, “ Lord, I am tired of living like this. I can’t keep treating Andrew like this. I don’t like myself and I am sure you are not looking down on my with a smile….Change me. I am serious. Change me.”

So I drove. I drove and drove and drove. I ended up in a town about an hour away from our house. The town is called Burnet. I saw an antique shop and decided I would take a look and see if I could scoop up any silverware and get my mind off of things.

I walked in. JACKPOT. There were tons. I spoke with the shop owner and we agreed on a price and I started filling a box. She asked what I did so I started talking about my business. Then from behind, I heard a woman asking for a business card. I turned around and chatted with her for a bit and then she walked out of the store. I must have been about 10 minutes more and then left that antique shop in hopes to find a few more.

As soon as I walked out the doors, that same woman who asked for my card came up to me out of nowhere. She said, “So glad to have met you. The next place you should check out is just down the street, then take a right, the man inside is really nice”. I thanked her and decided to go where she was directing me, thinking it was funny how she waited just to tell me where to go next!

I made it to the next shop and again, met another antique shop owner, who said he had tons of flatware for me, but to come back the next day. I agreed and before I left he whipped out a map! He said, “next you need to check out the new shop just across the street. But, make sure before you leave Burnet, you check out the shop called “Finds…of all kinds.” I smiled. Inside thinking…”okay God, sure seems like you are taking me on a little journey here.” I thanked him, told him I would be back tomorrow and left to go to the next shop.

Walking into the next shop, I was immediately greeted by a woman exclaiming, “oh my goodness! You are just radiant! You are so beautiful! Do you know how beautiful you are?” I stood there thinking, “Lady. No. No I am sorry you are very wrong. I am ugly. I have been crying for an hour, embarrassed because of my ugliness. My eyes are puffy, my hair is a mess from the windows being down and no… I am not.”

I looked her in the eyes and said…”thank you. But, I sure don’t feel it today.” She smiled, laughed and said, “Well believe it. You are.” We continued to talk and I stayed for about 20 minutes. She continued showering me with kind words the entire time I was in there. I felt as if God was speaking through her reminding me of His love for me, even though I often fail.

She gave me a big Texas hug before I left and I was onto my last stop, “Finds…of all kinds!”

Feeling a bit lighter. I walked into the shop with a smile and was greeted by Cheryie. I felt right at home in her shop. It was perfect. The vintage, antique, southern feel was all around me. And she… she is just the nicest, most friendly, and genuine person you will ever meet. Much happened during the hour and a half I was there! I met some amazing town folk. Sat up front with Cheryie as she shared a drink and pizza with me. Her shop was suppose to close at 6pm and she stayed longer with the doors wide open until 7pm when I ended up leaving.

For a while it was just Cheryie and I in the shop. I don’t even know how we got on the topic. But she got me talking. I shared with her why I had gone on a drive and how Andrew and I had gotten into an argument. I talked about my struggles. My fear. My Anger. My emotions. My turmoil with myself.

And then she said something. Something that I will never forget.

“Aly. You have two choices in life. When something happens to you, you can judge it or you can forgive and let it go. If you judge it, you are letting your emotions in, thinking on it, thinking on how it hurts you, angers you and then in turn, you will fall into sin. Or girl, you can forgive it. Forgive that it happened, because the world is full of disappointments and hurt, and you can rise above it ...and let it go.”

Everything I needed to hear was in those two choices. And for all this time… I have been judging. Judging why these things were happening. Judging everything that Andrew says to me. Judging what has happened in my past. And with that…holding onto hurt, bitterness, rage, anger and disappointments.

I cried.

We sat and talked for a while more and then I said it was time for me to head back home to tell my husband of the journey that God had taken me on and of course, to ask for his forgiveness.

She gave me a big hug before I left and said, “Now remember those two choices Aly. And don’t forget them.” I promised I wouldn’t.

The car ride home…was magic. I felt new. Renewed. Changed.

The windows were down, the music was loud, and I was singing in praise to the One who can change and heal. I had to stop on the highway, as police were guiding cows across the road. The sunset… oh the Texas sunsets. It was daylights savings time that day, so the sun was just setting and it was so much different than it had been all the times before. The light and the glow from the setting sun wrapped around the sky from every direction. Beautiful.

It was this day… Exactly 5 months from the day we moved to Texas that I fell in love. I fell in love with Texas and the journey that God was taking me on. 

I made it home and Andrew and I sat and talked. He said he wanted to be different too. We entered into forgiveness. I promised him that I was committed to change this time. That it wasn’t like all the other times I had said I was fed up. That this time… was different.

Andrew went away this weekend to celebrate, with some of our friends, the engagement of Andrews best friend, Josh and his new fiancé.

Today I was reflecting on how different I feel. Several months ago, I would have been too fearful of Andrew leaving me. Jealous that he was having fun and I was stuck at home.

But I am not. I am content. I am happy. I am in love with my husband and excited for the time he is having! Him and our friends went to a pizza place we had gone to on our honeymoon and my heart skipped a beat that he would be able to taste the goodness again…even though I wasn’t there.

I am changing. God is changing my heart. He is making me new.

I sent my mother a text today saying, “ You know what is an amazing feeling?” Of course she responded with, “What?” I then wrote,

“When you come to that place where you tell God that your fed up living in the flesh…that you want to leave your sin behind for good…that you want him to change you and that you are serious about it this time and there is no looking back… and he meets you there. He meets you and He shows you He is changing you in a real, vivid, and detailed way.  You can feel it in the deepest part of your heart. I have been longing and trying for change for 2 years now and by no means have I arrived…But HE IS FAITHFUL and He is changing me. And I love it.”

She then sent me this picture...

She said that RIGHT BEFORE I sent the text she had opened up one of my Bibles from childhood and saw this handwritten letter to God. So funny how 15 years ago… little 9 year old Aly on March 5^th, 1998…asked God to change her. And in March of 2013, 23 year old, Aly, is doing the same. I am sure He was just as faithful then as He is now.

Today, as I sit here getting a Pedicure…YES!! A PEDICURE!! I am amazed at how detailed my God is. How I love when He takes me on a journey and how He stepped in and used strangers to direct me to something that would forever change my way of thinking for the better.

- Aly

A Reminder in the Sky

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

I have been pondering this phrase for the past few days... pondering, what if the new year isnt happy? I mean... not to be all depressing or anything. But, what if it starts off with sadness. Such as, in my case, leaving family and friends and going 1600 miles away from them. I can not tell you how many people I saw on January 1st crying as they hugged their loved ones goodbye. 

Doesn't seem all too happy does it? 

Tonight, I am lonely. 

Tonight, it is quiet in the house. 

Tonight... I do not feel happy. 

Yet, I have decided that I can not let it overtake me.

I may be far away from my family, my in-laws, my siblings and dear friends. But I am not alone. Yes, I have my husband and I have our adorable little pup, BAYA...but it is even MORE than that. I have a hope. I have a purpose. I have a wonderful Savior who is continually showing me that He has me where he wants me. I was reminded of this a week before the start of this year.

On December 23rd, up in the air on a flight from Dallas to Boston I was given one of the greatest gifts. The opportunity to share my wonderful God with a 22 year old man named Henry. He had missed his first flight and ended up on a seat next to me. It was one of those moments you knew was completely meant to be and there was no other way to explain it. We began talking from the moment he sat in his seat and chatted the entire flight. I was given the opportunity to read Scripture with him and was prompted by God's leading to gave to him my precious Bible. That Bible was filled with notes, highlights, dates. I had that Bible since 2001. Some of my key growing moments were with that Bible. But I was asked to let go and allow another person to experience something beautiful as I did. 

It was the most surreal experience. To be flying in a plane, handing over one of your most treasured possessions to someone who you knew would cherish it. I had chills throughout my body as I handed it to Henry and tears welled up in his eyes. He told me he was speechless... what he didn't know is that I was also speechless in awe of a God who is constantly at work, even if we don't feel like the greatest example. With the craziness of holiday orders behind me... I had been feeling far from God as I hadn't had much time to spend with Him. That experience in the sky was God gently reminding me that He is EVER NEAR ME and will always be at my side. 

There are so many details of that flight that I will never forget and could probably keep writing about. But I will finish with only these thoughts...

I may not be "happy". I may "feel" lonely. But I am NEVER alone and I have a JOY inside of me that can never be taken away. It is my prayer for this new year that I never forget how much I am blessed. I pray that as I am being watched daily by customers, fans, family, friends... I am able to be a light that scares away the darkness rather than adding to the darkness.

Its a new year. I am filled with Joy. I am never alone. I am learning. I am growing. I am thankful. 

This is Baya. My new best friend who is at my side all day <3>