The Internet is a funny thing. It allows us to share what we
want to with the world. Screening the things that we don’t want to share. From
the Internet you would see that I am a girl (obviously!), 23 going on 24 in
June. I am a sister, daughter, and a wife. I run and own my hand stamped
flatware business called, For Such A Time Designs and I live in Austin, TX. I
have an adorable chow-lab puppy named Baya. I love to sing. I enjoy being
outdoors. I adore long chats with good friends. I have a passion to serve
others. The list I am sure would go on
and on from what I may choose to share on the Internet…
However, what you may not know is this.
I am full of sin.
I have a very big heart, but with that, if I am not careful,
I allow my emotions to get the best of me. I get angry easily and cannot
control my tongue. If I watch a movie with too many curse words, I show a lack
of self-control and they come out when I am upset. I hold onto bitterness. I
yell at my husband. I get very stressed out sometimes and crumble into a ball
of tears on the floor (please tell me someone can relate????). I complain, I gossip, I am jealous. I am
fearful. I am fearful of many things. I struggle with a lack of self-confidence
and I stare at myself in the mirror and think of all the things wrong with me.
Shall I go on… or do you see my point?
Are you starting to think maybe you don’t really know me
that well? Have I done a good job of sensoring you from the side of me that I
wouldn’t want you to see?
You see… for the past 2 years, I have struggled to be the
woman I know that God intended for me to be. I tell Him, and myself that I will
change. That I want to change and then I fall back into my ugly ways of
thinking “this is the way it is… I am messed up and I can not turn back, there
is no HOPE for me.” But I have been wrong. I have not had full faith in God. But
really, I wasn’t even ready to believe that God could change me.
Something happened a few weeks ago. Something that fueled my
desire for change and it stuck. I cried
out to God… and He met me.
March 10th, 2012
Andrew and I woke up, got ready, and headed to Church. The
service was wonderful, powerful and I felt quite convicted for some change in
my life. We left church and Andrew said something to me that I took the wrong
way. I let myself feel my anger and didn’t stop it. The flicker turned to a
flame and soon we were in an argument over nothing. We drove home and by the
time we walked in the door I was so ashamed and embarrassed of my behavior that
I grabbed the keys and left. I had no idea where I would go. I didn’t even say
a thing to Andrew, nor did he chase me (understandingly so).
I turned the music real loud. I cried. I yelled. I cried
some more.
I yelled at God asking Him why He made me this way. Why He
never helped me to change. It went on like this for a while until I finally
started praying instead, “ Lord, I am tired of living like this. I can’t keep
treating Andrew like this. I don’t like myself and I am sure you are not
looking down on my with a smile….Change me. I am serious. Change me.”
So I drove. I drove and drove and drove. I ended up in a
town about an hour away from our house. The town is called Burnet. I saw an
antique shop and decided I would take a look and see if I could scoop up any
silverware and get my mind off of things.
I walked in. JACKPOT. There were tons. I spoke with the shop
owner and we agreed on a price and I started filling a box. She asked what I
did so I started talking about my business. Then from behind, I heard a woman
asking for a business card. I turned around and chatted with her for a bit and
then she walked out of the store. I must have been about 10 minutes more and
then left that antique shop in hopes to find a few more.
As soon as I walked out the doors, that same woman who asked
for my card came up to me out of nowhere. She said, “So glad to have met you.
The next place you should check out is just down the street, then take a right,
the man inside is really nice”. I thanked her and decided to go where she was
directing me, thinking it was funny how she waited just to tell me where to go
next!
I made it to the next shop and again, met another antique
shop owner, who said he had tons of flatware for me, but to come back the next
day. I agreed and before I left he whipped out a map! He said, “next you need
to check out the new shop just across the street. But, make sure before you
leave Burnet, you check out the shop called “Finds…of all kinds.” I smiled.
Inside thinking…”okay God, sure seems like you are taking me on a little
journey here.” I thanked him, told him I would be back tomorrow and left to go
to the next shop.
Walking into the next shop, I was immediately greeted by a
woman exclaiming, “oh my goodness! You are just radiant! You are so beautiful!
Do you know how beautiful you are?” I stood there thinking, “Lady. No. No I am
sorry you are very wrong. I am ugly. I have been crying for an hour,
embarrassed because of my ugliness. My eyes are puffy, my hair is a mess from
the windows being down and no… I am not.”
I looked her in the eyes and said…”thank you. But, I sure
don’t feel it today.” She smiled, laughed and said, “Well believe it. You are.”
We continued to talk and I stayed for about 20 minutes. She continued showering
me with kind words the entire time I was in there. I felt as if God was
speaking through her reminding me of His love for me, even though I often fail.
She gave me a big Texas hug before I left and I was onto my
last stop, “Finds…of all kinds!”
Feeling a bit lighter. I walked into the shop with a smile
and was greeted by Cheryie. I felt right at home in her shop. It was perfect.
The vintage, antique, southern feel was all around me. And she… she is just the
nicest, most friendly, and genuine person you will ever meet. Much happened during
the hour and a half I was there! I met some amazing town folk. Sat up front
with Cheryie as she shared a drink and pizza with me. Her shop was suppose to
close at 6pm and she stayed longer with the doors wide open until 7pm when I
ended up leaving.
For a while it was just Cheryie and I in the shop. I don’t
even know how we got on the topic. But she got me talking. I shared with her
why I had gone on a drive and how Andrew and I had gotten into an argument. I
talked about my struggles. My fear. My Anger. My emotions. My turmoil with
myself.
And then she said something. Something that I will never
forget.
“Aly. You have two choices in life. When something happens
to you, you can judge it or you can forgive and let it go. If you judge it, you
are letting your emotions in, thinking on it, thinking on how it hurts you,
angers you and then in turn, you will fall into sin. Or girl, you can forgive
it. Forgive that it happened, because the world is full of disappointments and
hurt, and you can rise above it ...and let it go.”
Everything I needed to hear was in those two choices. And
for all this time… I have been judging. Judging why these things were
happening. Judging everything that Andrew says to me. Judging what has happened
in my past. And with that…holding onto hurt, bitterness, rage, anger and
disappointments.
I cried.
We sat and talked for a while more and then I said it was
time for me to head back home to tell my husband of the journey that God had
taken me on and of course, to ask for his forgiveness.
She gave me a big hug before I left and said, “Now remember
those two choices Aly. And don’t forget them.” I promised I wouldn’t.
The car ride home…was magic. I felt new. Renewed. Changed.
The windows were down, the music was loud, and I was singing
in praise to the One who can change and heal. I had to stop on the highway, as police were guiding cows
across the road. The sunset… oh the Texas sunsets. It was daylights savings
time that day, so the sun was just setting and it was so much different than it
had been all the times before. The light and the glow from the setting sun
wrapped around the sky from every direction. Beautiful.
It was this day… Exactly 5 months from the day we moved to
Texas that I fell in love. I fell in love with Texas and the journey that God
was taking me on.
I made it home and Andrew and I sat and talked. He said he
wanted to be different too. We entered into forgiveness. I promised him that I
was committed to change this time. That it wasn’t like all the other times I
had said I was fed up. That this time… was different.
Andrew went away this weekend to celebrate, with some of our
friends, the engagement of Andrews best friend, Josh and his new fiancé.
Today I was reflecting on how different I feel. Several months
ago, I would have been too fearful of Andrew leaving me. Jealous that he was
having fun and I was stuck at home.
But I am not. I am content. I am happy. I am in love with my
husband and excited for the time he is having! Him and our friends went to a
pizza place we had gone to on our honeymoon and my heart skipped a beat that he
would be able to taste the goodness again…even though I wasn’t there.
I am changing. God is changing my heart. He is making me
new.
I sent my mother a text today saying, “ You know what is an
amazing feeling?” Of course she responded with, “What?” I then wrote,
“When you come to that place where you tell God that your
fed up living in the flesh…that you want to leave your sin behind for good…that
you want him to change you and that you are serious about it this time and
there is no looking back… and he meets you there. He meets you and He shows you
He is changing you in a real, vivid, and detailed way. You can feel it in the deepest part of your
heart. I have been longing and trying for change for 2 years now and by no
means have I arrived…But HE IS FAITHFUL and He is changing me. And I love it.”
She then sent me this picture...
She said that RIGHT BEFORE I
sent the text she had opened up one of my Bibles from childhood and saw this handwritten
letter to God. So funny how 15 years ago… little 9 year old Aly on March 5th,
1998…asked God to change her. And in March of 2013, 23 year old, Aly, is doing
the same. I am sure He was just as faithful then as He is now.
Today, as I sit here getting a Pedicure…YES!! A PEDICURE!! I
am amazed at how detailed my God is. How I love when He takes me on a journey
and how He stepped in and used strangers to direct me to something that would
forever change my way of thinking for the better.
- Aly
